The 24 Hours of LeMons
FAQS
(FREQUENTLY ASININE QUIPS)
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
A nationwide series of endurance races for cars that cost $500 or less.
COME AGAIN?
The 24 Hours of LeMons is restricted to cars that were purchased, fixed up, and track-prepped for total of $500 or less. At most venues, the racing consists of tech inspection and track testing on Friday; long-ass endurance-race sessions on Saturday and Sunday; and breaks for sleeping, eating, and Band-Aid application every night. At least once a year, we also hold a straight 24-hour endurance race. Count on plenty of noise, prizes, water fights, and questionably civilized fun before, during, and after the track sessions. Finally, assuming you're still standing, there's the gala awards ceremony which presents trophies, plaques, and winner's purses paid out in nickels.
HOW DO I ENTER?
Three simple steps:
1. FILL OUT A TEAM ENTRY. On it, tell us why you guys would be cooler than all those other lame-o's who applied for the same race. (We make our decisions based on how much fun we figure you'll be to hang out with all weekend. So, okay--maybe we're a little shallow.)
2. WAIT TO BE ACCEPTED. Selection takes place right after the event's Entry Deadline, which is ten weeks before the race. (If you have a really, really, really compelling reason why you need to hear sooner, try us...but be sure to read Rule 2.4 first.) The fees are the same for each race ($500 per car + $100 per driver). Don't send it until your team gets officially accepted.
3. AFTER ACCEPTANCE, PAY THE ENTRY FEE and finish preparing your heap.
WILL MY TEAM GET ACCEPTED?
Maybe. Maybe not. We usually get more applications than each racetrack can handle, so we have to pick and choose. Boring applications like "We are four guys who love to race, and we have done (blah blah blah) driving before" don't give us too much to work with: You might get in, and you might not. Applications like "Choose us, because we'll wear beaver costumes in the paddock and our car is entirely coated in birch bark" give you much better odds.
CAN I JUST COME AND WATCH?
Absolutely. For people who aren't working on cars or hanging out in assigned pit spaces, all-access paddock passes are available at the gate: They're $20/day or $30/weekend.
DO I NEED TO BUY SPECIAL STUFF?
Yeah, but it's nothing ridiculous. You'll need a suit and a helmet (LeMons drivers can get good cheap ones here), and the car needs a rollcage and some other new bits. See the LeMons Rulebook--everything's listed in there.
WHAT'S A $500 CAR, EXACTLY?
A car that reaches the starting line for a grand total investment of $500, including purchase and preparation. The only things not included in that figure are approved safety equipment, brakes, and wheels/tires.
IS IT SAFE?
Safety equipment isn't included in the $500 car-purchase price, so you'll have kind of a fighting chance. But car racing just isn't a brilliant thing to be doing. Get used to it.
IS MY CAR GONNA GET HELLA MUNCHED UP?
Oh, almost definitely. LeMons is a non-contact event, but it's a crowded track with a whole lot of really hard driving. And even if your car survives out on the course, halfway through the race one entry will be chosen by popular ballot for immediate crushing. Could be yours. Heck, it probably WILL be yours. Be prepared.
IF YOU CRUSH MY CAR, CAN I SAVE THE SEATBELTS AND STUFF?
It kinda depends on how mad we are at you, but yeah, we'll give you a chance to pull out the belts and bars and anything else safety-related. Just make sure you're not still inside when the steam shovel arrives.
WHADDABOUT BUMPIN' AND DRAFTIN' AND ALL THAT THERE HIBBILLY STUFF?
WHAT IF I RAN THE CAR IN A PREVIOUS LeMONS?
Are you kidding? You'd actually resurrect that moldering pile of iron oxide? Well, it's your funeral--send us some post-race snaps and we'll assign a residual value between $0 and $499.
AREN'T YOU THOSE DOUBLE 500 GUYS?
Ummm...sort of. In the Double 500, Martin Swig organizes and Jay Lamm kibbitzes. In the 24 Hours of LeMons, Jay organizes and Martin kibbitzes. But you know, one smart-aleck old-car guy is pretty much just like the next.
ARE THERE PRIZES?
Oh, lordy yes. Over the course of the year we'll be recognizing wins for marque, nationality, all-girls teams, etc., and awarding the Harold Stassen Memorial Sticktuitiveness Trophy, the Albert Gore Jr. Carbon-Neutral Cup, and other such venerable honors. At each race, the Winner on Distance gets $1500; the winner of the Index of Effluency receives $1000; and the People's Choice socks away $500. Warning: We love to pay prizes in nickels.
DO $500 CARS REALLY EXIST?
Absolutely--just look at the Participant Pix pages. The best ways to find candidates are by looking on CraigsList, reading local bulletin boards, and cruising through crummy neighborhoods.
WHY NOT CHEAT ON THE $500 LIMIT?
Because our BS-Factor judging panel will dock you one lap for every additional ten dollars it thinks you spent. It's also a claiming race, meaning the organizer can buy your car after the race for $500 if he thinks you've been cheating.
WHAT'S IT COST?
Entry is $500 per car + $100 per driver. That fee covers registration, track time, paddock pass, safety crews, cheap sweatshop-made commemorative crap, and anything else we come up with by then. For $75, non-driving team members get all the same bennies except track time. People who aren't hanging out in a pit space or physically touching any of the cars can get an all-access paddock pass for $20/day or $30/weekend.
DO I HAVE TO BE A RACEDRIVER?
While these are wheel-to-wheel racetrack events, drivers include total non-racers, amateur racers, and pros. Our tracks honor competition licenses from AMP, SCCA, FIA, NASA, NASCAR, CSRG, ARCA, WestCar, SRL, Legends/600, ICSCC, USAC, CASA, BCRA, NCMA, CRA, HMSA, HSR, and SVRA. If you don't have one of these, you'll need to purchase a LeMons Competition Membership at $50/season.
WHAT IF I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING?
Ah, we don't either. This whole "expert" schtick is just pathetic male compensation. Don't sweat it.
IS THIS, LIKE, REAL RACING?
Yeah, it's real racing. That said, between the thick scrum of crapcans in front of you and our aversion to long, flat-out straightaways, you're not going to set any speed records. It's kinda like a loud, hot, noisy version of driving to work. For a really, really long time. Without actually getting anywhere. And it's a lot harder to drink coffee through the helmet. Oh, and, you know, it's more dangerous.
WHAT DO I DO TO THE CAR?
Want to be smart? Find one that already runs. Then, install a roll cage, full competition harnesses, a fire extinguisher, and some other safety stuff per the LeMons Rulebook. Congratulations: You just built a racecar.
WHERE DO I GET ALL THAT STUFF?
If there's a pre-made roll cage available for your car, you can just order it online. Once it arrives, an afternoon with some wrenches and power drills might be all that it takes. If there isn't a pre-made cage for your car, you can get a local fab shop or competition builder to bend one up.
DO I NEED TO SMOG IT AND REGISTER IT AND INSURE IT?
No. The whole thing takes place on a private racetrack, so there are no DMV or auto-insurance requirements.
DO I NEED TO DRAG THE PATHETIC HEAP HOME AGAIN?
If you want to abandon your pile after the race, some tracks will accept the remains provided you have a clear title or junk slip to sign over. None will accept cars with only a bill of sale or other fakey-bakey paperwork, and none will accept piles of disparate parts.
HAVE I GOT TO RUN THE WHOLE STUPID INTERMINABLE RACE?
It ain't like we're going to drag you out of bed Sunday morning. You can run as much or as little of it as you want. A lot of people just show up to eat the nachos.