The 24 Hours of LeMons
FAQS
(FREQUENTLY ASININE QUIPS)
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
A 24-hour endurance-race weekend for cars costing $500 or less.
COME AGAIN?
The 24 Hours of LeMons is a weekend-long race for cars purchased, fixed up, and track-prepped for total of $500 or less. Each team may also face qualifying rounds such as the Marxist Parking Valet, the Widdling Rottweiler Slalom, and/or the Stoney Bike-Messenger Shooting Gallery. Generally, track racing consists of two endurance sessions, one on Saturday and one on Sunday, with a late-night intermission for sleeping, eating, and Band-Aid application in between. Count on plenty of noise, prizes, water fights, and questionably civilized fun before, during, and after the track sessions. Finally, assuming you're still standing, there's the gala awards ceremony which presents trophies, plaques, and winner's purses paid out in nickels.
HOW DO I ENTER?
1. Fill out a Team Entry. On it, tell us why you guys would be cooler than all those other lame-o's who applied for the same race. (We make our decisions based on how much fun we figure you'll be to hang out with all weekend. So, okay--maybe we're a little shallow.)
2. Wait to be accepted. Selection takes place right after the event's Entry Deadline, which is ten weeks before the race. (If you have a really, really, really compelling reason why you need to hear sooner, try us...but be sure to read Rule 2.4 first.) The fees are the same for each race ($500 per car + $100 per driver). Don't send it until your team gets officially accepted.
3. After acceptance, submit fees and finish preparing your heap.
DO I NEED SPECIAL STUFF?
Yeah, but it's nothing ridiculous. You'll need a suit and a helmet (LeMons drivers can get good cheap ones here), and the car needs a rollcage and some other new bits. See Section 3 of the LeMons Rulebook, everything's listed in there.
WHAT'S A $500 CAR, EXACTLY?
A car that reaches the starting line for a grand total investment of $500, including purchase and preparation. The only things not included in that figure are approved safety equipment, brakes, and wheels/tires.
IS IT SAFE?
Safety equipment isn't included in the $500 car-purchase price, so you'll have kind of a fighting chance. But car racing just isn't a brilliant thing to be doing. Get used to it.
IS MY CAR GONNA GET HELLA MUNCHED UP?
Oh, almost definitely. LeMons is a non-contact event, but it's a crowded track with a whole lot of really hard driving. And even if your car survives out on the course, halfway through the race one entry will be chosen by popular ballot for immediate crushing. Could be yours. Heck, it probably WILL be yours. Be prepared.
IF YOU CRUSH MY CAR, CAN I SAVE THE SEATBELTS AND STUFF?
It kinda depends on how mad we are at you, but generally yeah, we'll give you a chance to pull out the belts and bars and anything else safety-related. Just make sure you're not still inside when the steam shovel arrives....
WHADDABOUT BUMPIN' AND DRAFTIN' AND ALL THAT THERE HIBBILLY STUFF?
WHAT IF I RAN THE CAR IN A PREVIOUS LeMONS?
Are you kidding? You'd actually resurrect that moldering pile of iron oxide? Well, it's your funeral—send us some post-race snaps and we'll assign a residual value between $0 and $499.
AREN'T YOU THOSE DOUBLE 500 GUYS?
Ummm...sort of. In the Double 500, Martin Swig organizes and Jay Lamm kibbitzes. In the 24 Hours of LeMons, Jay organizes and Martin kibbitzes. But you know, one smart-aleck old-car guy is pretty much just like the next.
ARE THERE PRIZES?
Oh, lordy yes. Over the course of the year we'll be recognizing wins for marque, nationality, all-girls teams, the Harold Stassen Memorial Sticktuitiveness Trophy, the Albert Gore Jr. Carbon-Neutral Cup, and other such stellar performances. For 2008, the Winner on Distance will receive $1500; the Winner of the Index of Effluency will receive $1000; and winner of the People's Choice will get $500. All three will also be invited to participate in the 24 Hours of LeMons Season-Ending SuperChamp Shootout & Sad-Sack Soiree at Thunderhill on the weekend between Christmas and New Years.
DO $500 CARS REALLY EXIST?
Absolutely—just look at the Participant Pix pages. The best ways to find candidates are by looking on CraigsList, reading local bulletin boards, and cruising through crummy neighborhoods.
WHY NOT CHEAT ON THE $500 LIMIT?
Because our BS-Factor judging panel will dock you one lap for every additional ten dollars it thinks you spent. It's also a claiming race, meaning the organizer can buy your car after the race for $500 if he thinks you've been cheating.
WHAT'S IT COST?
Entry is $500 per car + $100 per driver. That fee covers registration, track time, paddock pass, safety crews, cheap sweatshop-made commemorative crap, and anything else we come up with by then. For $75, non-driving team members get all the same bennies except track time. People who aren't hanging out in a pit space or physically touching any of the cars can get a general paddock pass for $40. Grandstand-only seating is offered at some tracks; please see the individual tracks' websites for prices and details--we don't have anything to do with the grandstand stuff.
DO I HAVE TO BE A RACEDRIVER?
While these are wheel-to-wheel racetrack events, drivers include total non-racers, amateur racers, and pros. Our tracks honor competition licenses from AMP, SCCA, FIA, NASA, NASCAR, CSRG, ARCA, WestCar, SRL, Legends/600, ICSCC, USAC, CASA, BCRA, NCMA, CRA, HMSA, HSR, and SVRA. If you don't have one of these, you'll be given a supplemental competition waiver at the track on the morning of the race; these cost $50 and are good for one calendar year at any LeMons race.
WHAT IF I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING?
Ah, we don't either. This whole "expert" schtick is just pathetic male compensation. Don't sweat it.
IS THIS, LIKE, REAL RACING?
Yeah, it's, like, real racing, but it's not like you'll be going particularly fast. You'll be lucky to break 70 mph as rule. It's kinda like a loud, hot, noisy version of driving to work. For a really, really long time. Without actually getting anywhere. And it's a lot harder to drink coffee through the helmet. Oh, and, you know, it's more dangerous.
WHAT DO I DO TO THE CAR?
Want to be smart? Find one that already runs. Then, install a six-point rollcage, five-point seatbelts, a fire extinguisher, and a few other safety bits per the LeMons rulebook. Congratulations: You just built a racecar.
WHERE DO I GET ALL THAT STUFF?
If there's a premade rollcage available for your car, just order it online from a company like Pegasus Auto Racing. Once it arrives, an afternoon with some wrenches and power drills might be all that it takes. If there isn't a premade bar cage your car, you can get a local fab shop or competition builder to bend one up. We've got some contacts to help with that, just don't leave it to the last minute.
DO I NEED TO SMOG IT AND REGISTER IT AND INSURE IT?
No. The whole thing takes place on a private track, so there are no DMV or insurance requirements. In fact, a car that won't pass smog but is okay otherwise might be your best bet. You'll want to rent a trailer, though, to move it to and from the event. Local U-Haul offices rent car trailers and hitches if you call in advance.
DO I NEED TO DRAG THE PATHETIC HEAP HOME AGAIN?
If you want to abandon your pile after the race, some tracks will accept the remains provided you have a clear DMV-legal title or junk slip to sign over. None will accept cars with only a bill of sale or other fakey-bakey paperwork, and none will accept piles of disparate parts.
HAVE I GOT TO RUN THE WHOLE STUPID INTERMINABLE RACE?
It ain't like we're going to drag you out of bed Sunday morning. You can run as much or as little of it as you want. A lot of people just show up to eat the nachos.
WHAT ABOUT FUEL, TIRES, FOOD, AND STUFF?
There aren't any fuel or tire vendors at most tracks, but there are always private vendors close by. A list of restaurants, food stores, and other nearby businesses will be posted on each race's Event Page a few months before the event.